A Review Of Cambrian News, 7 January 2015

Thursday 7 January had a number of interesting stories that are worth drawing your attention to.

And Boom! Look at that proper big story they’ve got on Page 1!
That’s how you sell papers in the digital age!

Cambrian News Cover

What an horrific story!
Aber man knifed on his way home, and no arrests!
I was shocked, frightened and outraged that knife crime has come to our quiet, sleepy backwater.
My nephews look like that young lad!

So I bought the paper, and started reading.
Hang on a minute!
The victim, Stephen Jackson, moved to Birmingham two years ago.
This all happened in Sutton Coldfield!
I can accept this being a big story in the Sutton Coldfield Gazette (a fine paper), but what the bloody hell is it doing as a sensational Page 1 in the Aberystwyth paper?
And the victim is described as a 26 year old lorry driver. Look at that picture – does that look like a 26 year old lorry driver to you?
Knife crime is a modern scourge, and I wish Mr Jackson a speedy recovery, but that’s a cheeky front page.

And so, a bit cross, I moved inside the paper.
Up_Page2I love this sort of story.

Local residents in Llanbadarn Fawr don’t want new houses built near them.
I know, I know – “People With Houses Would Prefer It If People Without Houses Stayed That Way”
We’re not here to judge relative Nimbyism – I wouldn’t like a new estate built behind my house.

The local councillor is quick to use rain to support the protests.
“It was a quick downpour but another hour and homes would have been flooded!” Cllr James said.
Yeah, but it didn’t rain for an hour, and no homes were flooded. Councillor James is telling us about things he has imagined.
And then things get a bit Old Testament.
“It’s like a sign from God that this plan should not be approved” the councillor added.
I have to say that I’m sceptical about God getting involved in local planning matters.
If the Almighty can’t be arsed helping out in Syria, what is he doing throwing his weight (and water) around in Llanbadarn Fawr?

The article below this is also about the proposed development up Primrose Hill, and naturally Cllr Paul James is ready to go again.
Having shown us the mind of God, he now moves into a seafaring metaphor, telling us an independent traffic analysis has “More holes than the Titanic”.

Now, OK, I I’ve not been down to the seabed, but I believe the Titanic, having hit an iceberg, had only one hole.
A big hole, oh yes, but only one.
So  his metaphor is redundant.
“Enough holes to fill the Albert Hall” would be a pleasant nod to The Beatles, a better image, and a welcome spot of whimsy in an otherwise dreary piece.
Inevitably he describes the traffic situation as a “nightmare”.

Elsewhere on this page we learn that mobile phone reception is poor in rural areas (who knew!).

I moved on to read an uplifting article about a farmer who sold £276,000 worth of old sheep carcasses to London Africans who use them as a delicacy (“smokies”).
And they say farmers have their enterprise knocked out of them by subsidy!
These “smokies” sound delicious! I was just thinking of starting Aberystwyth’s first “Smoky” restaurant when I read they were illegal, and poor Farmer Thomas was being fined £32,000!
It really is political correctness gone mad!!

I went to the Motoring section to cheer myself up.
Cambrian News MotoringIsn’t that a lovely picture of the smart red supercar?
But read the caption – “Could this be the exciting face of [Honda] S2000?”
HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW?
Why are you asking me – surely they’ve written the article?

And so, tired out, I put down the Cambrian News and had an afternoon nap.
Dafydd woke me up later. “Anything in the paper?”
“Don’t get me started. And put your pants back on.”


 

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